Click here to contact Debbie and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

“I just can’t do ANYTHING right,” my client sighed as she settled further into the couch. ‘I should just accept that I am fat, depressed and a failure at relationships. Nothing will help me.”

And as long as she chooses to continue talking to, and about, herself that way, she WILL be overweight, depressed and alone, and most importantly, unable to change, regardless of her therapist’s skills. For the fact is that every cell in our body responds to what we think and say about ourselves.

Although most of us are familiar with the “love our neighbors as ourselves” directive, we miss the meaning of the last part. Most of us wouldn’t dream of calling our neighbor names or criticizing them point-blank to their faces, yet we look in the mirror and do it to ourselves every day. We feel compassion for our friend’s struggles with food, relationships or other issues, yet we are merciless and impatient with our own. Self love is a vital key to health, and self condemnation the thing that most often keeps us from our goals. For instance, if you are having trouble ending an unhealthy relationship, AND you “beat yourself up” for your “weakness,” we now have THREE issues to overcome—the relationship, the self loathing, AND the damage done to your self image by the insult! Self love, forgiveness for our mistakes, and patience with our failures leads to the strength and discipline necessary to move forward into a healthy, balanced life.

To become your own encourager and best friend requires a deep examination of who taught you to be self-critical in the first place. Where did the “I’m not OK” message come from? It is most often from one of two sources—either what was said about you by your parent, or what a parent said about themselves in front of you. If you heard negativity modeled in your growing up years, the pattern was set for you to live that way as well. Children really do learn what they live. But like any learned behavior, this thinking pattern can be changed; sometimes by yourself, and sometimes with the help of a counselor if the pattern is persistent or severe.

To remain vital and healthy in your thinking throughout your lifetime, practice catching yourself when you are saying or thinking self-critical things. Immediately visualize a big red STOP sign to interrupt the pattern. Replace the self-criticism with a positive, encouraging thought, such as “I’m proud of myself for trying to change.”

If you focus on what you DON”T like about yourself, you will get more of it, but focusing on the successes in your life will lead to more success. Congratulate yourself on victories, whether it’s a ten minute walk when you really just wanted to watch television, or keeping your temper in traffic.

All of God’s creatures respond to love and encouragement, including ourselves. Give yourself the gift of acceptance!

©Copyright 2008 by Debbie Devine MS, LPC Diplomate All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Debbie and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Mary and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Alcohol rehabilitation treatment providers are nearly universally wedded to the outdated 12-Step model that only works for approximately ten percent of the men they were designed for, much less for women. Women, and their usually differing needs, motivations, and solutions, are merely lumped into this one-size-kinda/sorta-fits-all category with predictably poor results.

Many women find it impossible to access help that addresses their particular circumstances, life stages, degrees of alcohol involvement, and other relevant factors. This isn’t surprising, because there are very few programs available that offer these services. Since women generally are more comfortable talking about problems rather than actively making the changes necessary to solve them, we tend to shy away from newer models of treatment that ask more of us. This is unfortunate. The older, 12-step model of treatment, that is readily found in group meetings, undermines our strengths and plays into the “victim” mentality that society imposes on women who drink too much, rather than addressing individual women and their unique situations.

Are their better options available? Of course there are, though they’re harder to find. Real change involves more than conferring a label like “alcoholic” and prescribing a series of rituals. Rooting out a problem, or eliminating its negative consequences, means assessing a woman’s strengths, interests, and needs. It also means changing her day-to-day life in ways that are fulfilling and motivating. It’s really about changing oneself so that specific problems no longer have fertile ground to grow in.

Alcohol abuse or dependence isn’t something that occurs in isolation. Getting over it can’t be addressed as either a single problem unrelated to the rest of one’s life, or an activity that can be altered without other changes also occurring. Such life-altering steps need and deserve good support.

Good support in this case is actually a little different than what we, as women, tend to migrate towards. Research in women’s development finds that under stress we tend to regress towards group conformity rather than move forward towards individually based solutions. What this means is that we are more comfortable choosing a socially acceptable solution rather than one that might really works for us. However, alcohol abuse is highly individual, therefore long-term solutions need to be equally unique.

Remember, alcohol misuse, ranging from abuse to dependence to addiction, is not an equal opportunity, nor necessarily, progressive condition. Effectively intervening and relieving a specific woman’s symptoms means accurately assessing strengths, interests, circumstances, and preferences. Only then can an action plan be devised that addresses all of the components that have led to the current problems – a plan that is based on her wishes and needs, not one based on an imposed, and largely inapplicable, model.

Professional help can make the process much more effective and efficient. Look for programs that take into account individual goals and needs, not those of the program or counselor merely looking to acquire another long-term client. Intensive short-term assessment and planning followed by implementation and follow-up should lead to substantial permanent change in less than a year.

©Copyright 2008 by Mary Ellen Barnes, Ph.D., RAS All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Mary and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Noahand/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

It’s a bit disturbing to talk with engaged couples to hear all the various reasons why they choose to marry.

What many will not admit is that, sometimes, they are more in love with the “idea” of marriage than they are in love with the person they are about to marry.

Let’s examine this process from a physiological perspective.

When two people meet and begin their courtship they typically evaluate the relationship from their five senses. They might like how the person looks, how they smell, how they feel when they touch and so on. Then, they evaluate how the other person behaves in a variety of situations.

All this information is first affecting the brain centers that control our emotions. This area is called the “limbic system” and we find ourselves “excited” and “light-headed” and our heart beats faster when we are in the courtship and early stage of marriage. At some point during the first seven years of being together, our perception of the person shifts from the emotional centers of our brain ultimately to the logical, cortical areas.

The cerebral cortex is where reason and logic prevail. We no longer feel the pounding of our hearts, and the lightness of our senses, but realize that we have overlooked a lot about our mate because we were so joyous and thrilled about the wedding ceremony and just being “married”.

To use a business concept, but still apropos, the couple are in the “marketing phase” of their relationship. Each is trying to get the other person to like them and, eventually, to love them. They are, in effect, putting their “best foot forward” trying to make the “sale”, which is the wedding itself.

After the honeymoon is over reality sets in. Dealing with the every day stresses of life is not all the fun that we experienced earlier in the relationship, especially when children come along and the wife is not quite as amorous as she was during the first year of marriage, and the husband decreases being as romantic and attentive.

Now the focus is on careers and the daily routines that tire them. The couple cannot maintain the same level of energy they originally put into the marketing phase of the relationship and now that the “sale” has been made, they find themselves in the “service phase” of the relationship.

In the service phase of marriage, both the husband and wife are still expecting whatever was promised in the marketing phase but they, instead, experience disappointment.

The couple is surprised and disappointed that their mate is not delivering on the promises, whether implied or spoken, they had made during the courtship. This is when marital problems begin to occur, and the arguments increase.

In time, some couples feel like they were duped and experience a great deal of anger in the relationship and even think about divorce. This is when they tend to forget their marriage vows of “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part”.

It’s not “until we do not feel like doing it any more”. It’s until death do us part.

As Christians, we need to take our vows seriously to be pleasing to God. A healthy marriage requires mutual respect, genuine commitment, good communication, as well as time and effort.

It takes a realistic assessment of what we promised our mate in the marketing phase of the relationship when all our perceptions of that person was in the emotional centers of our brain and whether we are fulfilling those promises, or the oath we made during the wedding ceremony.

It also requires an evaluation of whether we are making good on those commitments in the service phase when our view of our mate is now in the logical, reason-oriented areas of our brain.

Marital problems and differences are resolved through forgiveness: “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” [Ephesians 4:32].

Hopefully, this should be a clear message for those who are in the dating, or marketing, phase of their relationship. Be sure you are willing to deliver the “services” you are promising in the courtship.

©Copyright 2008 by Dr. Noah H. Kersey, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry. Click here to contact Noahand/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Noah and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

There are four key steps to being successful in the counseling process:

Willingness

Many who need counseling either will not seek it or they come for therapy and are not willing to make any changes in their lives. They want others to change; they want their environment or circumstances to change but they are resistant to doing anything different themselves. It is surprising how much emotional pain a person can endure because they have difficulty embracing the idea of change.

Many individuals have difficulty with the process of change because it can create much anxiety getting outside one’s comfort zone. For some, it’s just being a creature of habit and the known is more preferable than the unknown. New habits, new methods of doing things, and changing thinking patterns or behaviors take a great deal of energy and time, as well as courage.

Courage can be defined as “the willingness to do something even if you are afraid”. Given the choice of being with someone who is courageous or someone who is fearless, choose the courageous person. Anyone who is without fear can be a danger to you because they will take risks that could get you hurt. The person with courage is willing to do what it takes and will most likely be more careful about it because they do experience fear. They are not paralyzed by fear; they are empowered by it.

Seeking help and making changes in your life requires courage. If you are willing to be different you are about a quarter of the way to having a better life.

Motivation

Some individuals will relate that they are willing to make changes in their life but lack the drive or energy to actually do so. They will begin the process by seeking therapy and they will express a desire for change but will not make the effort necessary to actually carry out the process. The initial reason they are in counseling is that their life may have deteriorated to the point of being in a state of crisis. They may have become entangled in the legal system; been threatened with loss of their marriage or family; or in danger of losing their jobs. In addition, they may also be in emotional pain over such a length time that their health has become an issue.

A crisis situation may be hurtful but it may also be helpful. In many situations things may have to get worse before it gets better for the change process to take place. The Chinese have a written character in their language that has two meanings. This character represents both the concept of danger and opportunity. Therefore, a crisis can be a life disaster or calamity but it can also be a means to making life better because it provides a motivation for personal growth and development.

Without a strong drive for change, it is less likely to happen. When an individual has both the willingness to improve and the motivation to do so, they have half of what it takes to succeed in the counseling process.

Commitment

The old adage “quitters never win and winner never quit” basically says it all.

Nevertheless, people tend to be impatient with the personal growth process. Many of us want things and we want them right now. At least those of us who lack the maturity to suffer delayed gratification will express this urgency along with those who are experiencing enormous distress in their life. However, we who believe that “anything worth having is worth waiting for”, will persist in the pursuit of change, and are the ones who will prevail over adversity. The counseling process requires such commitment and patience. Without these two characteristics, many will rush into what they think is a viable solution but eventually find the problem has not really been resolved at all.

What is the true purpose of time? The answer is “so that everything doesn’t have to happen all at once”. Therefore, we must remind ourselves to stay the course and allow the sequence of events to occur so that we can make positive changes over the course of time.

A formula for success I use in my practice is also the definition of “learning” as we use it in therapy. That formula is: L= c/t x E [or learning is any change that occurs over time as a result of experience]. The “over time” part of this formula is crucial to the learning process and is required because real and lasting change rarely occurs instantaneously.

The key to success in counseling, or in any task in life, aside from having the willingness and the motivation to change [adapt or learn] is to stay the course of therapy and realize that interpersonal problems develop over many years and it will take time to resolve them. If you possess or develop these attributes in the initial phase of counseling you will be three quarters on the way to success.

Faith

Faith is the final and most critical step in creating success. If a person does not believe in themselves or in what they are doing, it becomes almost impossible to accomplish any project or task. In other words, the more you believe in something, the more you increase your chances of being successful at it.

The concept of belief in oneself or belief in a process seems simple and we can usually agree about the necessity of it, but there are still those who fail because they do not possess the strength of faith to accomplish their goals.

One of the reasons people will suffer great and enduring emotional distress is that they do not believe counseling or psychotherapy can help them. They have seen multi-media programs that disparage individuals who seek counseling, or portray counselors and psychotherapists in an unflattering manner. Some may view counseling as for the weak and cowardly. Each person fails when they have little or no faith in the healing process of change.

The successful individual understands that it takes believing in yourself and in others to accomplish a goal or task. They realize that a certain amount of trust needs to be placed in a well-trained, well-educated health care provider or at least explore their lack of trust issues with the therapist in the beginning phase of counseling. This lack of trust in others may stem from early childhood issues and be a primary source of a person’s pain.

For those of us who are believers and possess a faith in God, we have a means outside ourselves to succeed. Harvard University and the National Institute of Mental Health both undertook a research project to disprove the power of prayer and both studies resulted in seeing a significant influence that prayer has in healing. It is encouraging that two secular institutions could inadvertently support the power of faith.

Overcoming adversity and gaining achievement is a culmination of all four attributes of willingness, motivation, commitment, and faith, and with them you can have a complete opportunity of success in therapy as well as any reasonable goals you set in life.

©Copyright 2008 by Dr. Noah H. Kersey, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry.

Click here to contact Noah and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

Click here to contact Stefanie and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

I just finished reading Waiting for Daisy: A Tale of Two Continents, Three Religions, Five Fertility Doctors, An Oscar, An Atomic Bomb, A Romantic Night, and One Woman’s Quest to Become a Mother, by Peggy Orenstein. Now that’s a title! And a perfect one for the memoir that follows.

As a reader I felt like a close friend with whom the author shares her story. The book begins when the ambivalent author finally decides she wants to be a mom only to find out it may not be that easy. What follows is a twisting, turning, painful and often hilarious journey through the world of infertility and into the land of motherhood.

Of course the topic immediately interested me as a therapist with a focus on infertility counseling but I think this book has universal appeal. I found myself wondering how it would all turn out and staying up an extra half hour to sneak in a few more pages. There are several twists and turns along the way that keep you guessing about how motherhood will find her. I found myself cheering her on, longing for her dream to come true, laughing at her unfiltered observations, wanting to console her, worrying about her marriage and ultimately applauding the insight and wisdom she ultimately gains.

This book does such a great job of highlighting the pain of infertility and how easy it is to get swept away by the technology of having a baby that the essential self becomes lost and wayward. It poignantly illustrates the toll infertility can take on a marriage (partnership).

My only critique of the book is that I wanted to hear more about the emotional support she utilized during her struggle. But then again, I’m a therapist so I would want to know that.

This would be a great book for anyone that wants to better understand the emotional, physical and spiritual aspects of not being able to have a baby. As a cautionary tale, I think it could also be a valuable resource for couples struggling to build a family. I would also highly recommend it to friends and family members who want to support a loved one during the pain of infertility.

Beyond a story of infertility and the search for motherhood this book is about obsession, regret, timing, hope, love and miracles. It is simply a great story, well told.

©Copyright 2008 by Stefanie Luna, LMFT. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry.

Click here to contact Stefanie and/or see her GoodTherapy.org Profile

Scottsdale Therapy

When a family history of depression gets you down <!– @page { size: 8.5in 11in; margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } –>

It is not uncommon for a family to have a history of depression. There are many cases where an individual who is suffering from depression does not appear to have an actual reason for suffering the depression. This is where this person’s family history can help them out. There are some people who appear to be genetically depressed, meaning that their family history shows that previous generations appear to have suffered the same problems. Genetic depression is still far from being fully understood. Studies are still being done in order to understand how genetic depression is passed down and how it can be treated in people before it becomes a real problem.

Having a family history of depression does not necessarily mean that the person will suffer depression, though if a person does worry that they might have depression it might not hurt to consult a therapist or counselor about it. It is possible for a person to be a little anxious over the idea that they might slump into a depression that can ruin their lives as it possibly did for their parent and/or grandparent. The therapist or counselor will help the patient see that worry about such a thing will only bring about needless anxiety that will only put the person through unnecessary stress. This stress can build and can quite possibly eventually lead to an onset of depression. The person who worries can also consult an online therapist or an online counselor and ask the professional questions regarding what is worrying them. The online therapist or counselor can then calm the patient’s fears about them possibly having depression. Suggestions and/or advice might be given that can aid the person in trying to avoid falling into a state of depression, how to calm down and how to deal with the stresses in their lives before the stresses get to much.

Anyone who has a family that has a history of depression does not necessarily mean that the individual will ultimately suffer depression. It does, however, show that the person might have an increased risk of developing depression at some time in their life. With the knowledge about their family history, they can start finding ways to avoid depression early in their life. A therapist or a counselor can help the person learn how to deal with the stresses of everyday life, their anxiety and any depression they might be experiencing already. Doing this can give the person a better chance of warding off serious or deep depression that they might develop later in life if they didn’t take measures to prevent it. Expecting it and preparing for it can actually help the person focus on taking control of their life and putting more effort into making the life they want. Being more optimistic and happy can go a long way to helping the person avoid falling into depression. Early help from a therapist or counselor, whether it is online therapy or therapy in person, can also help a person prepare for their life and keep out the stresses and/or anxieties that can push them into depression.

©Copyright 2008 by Jennifer B Baxt. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry.

Santa Rosa Therapy

It is often thought that depression more commonly affects older teenagers, adults and seniors, but children suffer from depression as well. Many suffer in silence without proper treatment because their parents don’t understand the signs and don’t seek help for their child as a result. This means that the child does not get the proper treatment they need and this can have a negative impact on the child’s future; how they interact with other individuals, the level of confidence they develop and so on. Many parents will instead become frustrated over their child’s behavior, mostly as a result of their lack of understanding of child depression. They are not familiar with the signs that would normally alert someone that the child is depressed and think that the child is just acting up for no good reason.

There is almost always a reason for a child’s behavior. It could be that the child is having trouble at school with a bully, or they are having difficulty coping with the loss of a close family member; whatever the reason, a child does not always find it easy to express why they are acting out and feeling the way they are. The younger the child is, the more difficult it can be for the child to express itself clearly. This is why it is important for a parent to be sensitive to what the child might be emotionally affected by and learn the signs to recognize child depression. One of the biggest signs is the sudden change in the behavior of the child. Other signs include the child being moody or easily emotional, they aren’t as social as they used to be, they have become extremely negative or pessimistic toward life and/or they are mentally or physically harmful to their selves. The feeling of being worthless, useless and/or incapable of anything can lead a child to becoming verbally and even physically abusive to their selves.

If a parent suspects their child might be suffering from depression, they can contact an online therapist regarding their child. Through communicating with the therapist, the parent can find out if their suspicions of depression are right and get the help their child needs. Online therapy can be helpful in that the parent can work with the child, based on the advice and suggestions they have received from the family therapist, and help get the child out of the depression. Sometimes all the child needs is some support and understanding from their parent. This can help the child to open up and express why they are behaving the way they are and why they seem so upset lately. The online family therapist can easily walk the parent through the steps of helping their child to get out of their depression and back on track to growing up a strong and confident adult. Online therapy offers the opportunity to help the child in the comfort of their home, as leaving the home to go to a doctor’s office can be a little scary, depending on the age of the child. This can also give the parent and the child the opportunity to strengthen their bond and avoid future rifts and misunderstandings between them.

©Copyright 2008 by Jennifer B Baxt. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry.

Santa Monica Therapy

Despite the common misconception among many single people, marriage is not easy. It takes a lot of work because life takes a lot of work. Life can be difficult and complicated enough for a single person, so when another person is involved it can become more complicated. Money is one of the many reasons that a marriage can break up, especially if times of financial distress has continued over a lengthy period of time. In fact, financial stress appears to be the cause of about 80 percent of all divorces. This goes to show just how stressful financial trouble can be for a couple who are both affected by it.

The vows taken today are often recited more because they are what couples are supposed to recite when going through the process of getting married. Very few actually take the time to review the vows and take their meaning to heart. This is why many difficulties that arise at a later time may be enough for the husband, wife or both to call it quits and to start living their separate lives. Money is what allows people to get their necessities, so a lack of money to the point of poverty and the inability to acquire the necessities and comforts of life can often make a married couple stressed and very unhappy with each other. Of course, it is not just simply the lack of money, it is how there came to be the lack of money. There are couples where one or both of them will spend more than they are earning each month. Poor management of the income is often the biggest reason for the financial trouble a couple is experiencing.

As is the case for any couple who are suffering overwhelming stress that is making the couple seriously think about divorce, contacting a family therapist or a couple’s counselor might not be a bad idea. The therapist or counselor can talk with the couple and help them work out what exactly is causing their want for separation. If it appears that financial stress is possibly the biggest reason, the counselor or therapist can put the couple in touch with someone who can help them right their troubles. Then, the couple’s therapist can speak with the couple and help them reconcile and maybe even calm the couple down enough to think more clearly about what a divorce would really mean for them and any children that are involved.

Divorce is not something that should never be entered into lightly. It means an end to that relationship and the breakup of a family, which can be greatly traumatizing to the children of that marriage. When a couple believe that the only way out of their troubles is to get a divorce, consulting a marriage therapist to get some impartial advice might help save the marriage as well as find a way to deal with the issues causing the stress. If divorce is still what the parents choose to do, then family counseling for both the parents and the children might be a good idea so that everyone can get through the divorce without unnecessary stress.

©Copyright 2008 by Jennifer B Baxt. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry.

Santa Fe Therapy

Anyone being asked how someone with anthrophobia could get help would probably provide a deceptively easy answer, especially if they are not familiar with what this type of phobia is. They would probably suggest that a person suffering from anthrophobia go in to see a therapist or a counselor. While this may seem like the obvious answer, it is one that might not be a choice for someone suffering from severe anthrophobia. Why is this? A person who has anthrophobia has an intense fear of other people, so leaving their home to go and see their therapist means that they will have to be near other people as they pass by them to get to the therapist’s office, then they will probably have to wait in a waiting room with other people until the therapist is ready to see them, and then they will be in a room alone with anther person when they go to talk to the therapist. This can all seem too traumatizing for a person with anthrophobia to do, so they will instead try their best to stay home and this means that they don’t get the help that they need.

Many people may be unaware of this, but there is the option of online therapy or online counseling for a person who can’t seem to make it out of the house. In the case of a person with anthrophobia who lives in an apartment in the middle of New York city is not going to be able to leave their house because they would be surrounded by their fear. So, what does a person in this situation do? If they have the internet, there is hope and another option available. In fact, online counseling is becoming more popular all the time, especially with people who are unable to leave their house due to their phobia. Anthrophobia is just one of many types of phobia that can lead to a person barricading themselves inside their home.

How can online counseling help a person in this situation? Online counseling is not really any different than if they had gone to speak with the counselor in person. The only difference is that the person is contacting the counselor through e-mail. The person messages the counselor and explains the difficulty they have. The counselor will then message the person back with questions to learn more about the phobia the patient seems to be suffering. This communication will bounce back and forth as the counselor discusses the patient’s problem and the counselor will try their best to help the patient overcome their phobia. It can take time, but online counseling is easily accessible by anyone who has a computer hooked up to the internet and who is in the situation where they can’t go to visit the counselor in person.

A person who has severe anthrophobia can remain in their home and seek advice and help from their counselor online without having to go through the traumatic experience of facing their phobia before they are ready. This is where communicating with an online counselor is so very useful and the most beneficial. As mentioned before, online counseling is becoming more popular all the time and every day new ways of treating patients are being used in order to ensure that patients will be treated successfully. Many people have been treated successfully by using internet counseling and someone suffering from anthrophobia is no exception.

©Copyright 2008 by Jennifer B Baxt. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry.

Santa Barbara

]]> http://find-a-counselor.org/how-does-someone-get-help-with-anthrophobia/feed/ http://find-a-counselor.org/clues-on-kids-001-video-games-a-parent%e2%80%99s-best-friends/ http://find-a-counselor.org/clues-on-kids-001-video-games-a-parent%e2%80%99s-best-friends/#comments Fri, 17 Oct 2008 21:03:05 +0000 admin http://find-a-counselor.org/?p=72 By: Kent Toussaint, MA MFT

Click here to contact Kent and/or see his GoodTherapy.org Profile

If you let your kid (and some of you probably do), I’ll bet he would sit in front of the TV or computer screen and blast mutant aliens, adventure to far away lands or score touchdowns all day long. In fact in his ideal world, all he needs is a feeding trough and a catheter and he’d never have to leave the couch! This is why video games can be your best friends.

So, my kid’s X-Box is MY best friend? Don’t you mean my kid’s best friend?

No, I mean YOUR best friend. If your kid loves video games, you are in luck. Video games can be the golden key to unlocking the good behavior in your child.

Video games, used properly by parents, can send your kid on a quest to the kingdom of responsibility. There he can slay the dragon of laziness before returning home with the magic sword of good manners.

Wait a minute. I still can’t even understand why she likes these stupid computer games! What’s
the appeal?

Video games are exciting and fascinate kids (and adults alike). Much like television and movies, video games bring players into an intriguing, imaginary universe to escape the stresses of everyday life.

Another similarity between watching a show and playing a game is that they both give the watcher/player a vehicle to experience extreme emotions in a safe way. Strong feelings such as fear, aggression, love, sorrow, etc. are difficult to experience in society without being shunned or ostracized for them. Video games and television are more comfortable avenues to do this. However, video games are even better. You know why? Because they are more interactive. Even better than that, they give the gamer the feeling of power and control.

What do you mean by “power and control?”

Children are generally not in positions of power and rarely in control… except when it comes to their
parents. They will exert their power and control over you if you let them. This is normal in that kids are constantly trying to define where their power begins and ends. It is your thankless and exhausting job to maintain those boundaries and to provide an appropriate structure for your unappreciative and demanding children… which of course is
also normal.

Now your kid has a game that allows him to be master of everything. He gets to be the best… the hero… the champion! And if he fails, all he has to do is reload his last saved game and try again until he beats the world record in skate boarding a
half-pipe… on the moon… while playing a guitar.

So does that mean that the games on my child’s Play Station can actually teach values that I like such as “determination” and “not giving up because something is hard?”

Possibly. There are several video games that actually promote what may generally be considered healthy and respectable values. Of course, it’s up to you to determine what those values are and if they are what you want your child exposed to.

So maybe I should just let my kid spend every waking moment collecting dinosaur eggs and building vast armies of destruction.

Probably not. Video games are fine, but not at the expense of school, chores, social activities and family time. Moderation is also a healthy value to pass down to your kid.

Well, how do I find that balance? All my kid wants to do is play video games. How do I get my kid off of that machine to do his homework?

Great question! Remember that your child’s Nintendo Wii is your best friend. Video games give you leverage with your kids.

Here are some clues on how to best use this leverage to help your child accept responsibility when it comes to homework and chores:

Set a limit on how much time your child can spend playing video games each day.
Tie the privilege of video games to homework or chores.
When homework is done video games can begin.
For every 15 minutes of chores completed, 30 minutes of video games are earned.
For consistently good behavior throughout the week, grant bonus video game time.
Set down these rules with due dates and times on a sticker chart to help both you
and your child be able to keep track of
his progress.
Make these rules be equal in importance to your child’s desire to play.
If your waiver and don’t follow through, your kid will know that your rules don’t mean anything.
Consequently, neither one of you will get the benefit that video games can bring in offering structure for your family.

But I don’t know if I can make my child follow these rules. I know I shouldn’t but I always rely upon yelling and nagging to make her behave.

Lecturing or yelling at your child has never brought about a response remotely close to, “I’m terribly sorry Mother. I ever-so regret my transgression as it has brought about shame not only upon myself, but upon the entire family. I will henceforth endeavor to make you proud and abide by all of the rules that you have so wisely put forth.”

Okay, maybe you’re right. But how do I get my child to say those words?

You don’t. Your child is just that… a child. Kids don’t have the same ability to internalize values of responsibility and follow through as adults do.

Instead, let the video games do the lecturing for you. Demonstrate the follow through that you want your kids to have. If you enforce appropriate boundaries, the privilege of playing video games might be all the incentive your child needs to finish her homework or clean her room on time.

But she has a tantrum and gets so upset if I don’t let her play. How do I enforce these rules without hurting my child’s feelings?

If she doesn’t earn the privilege to play video games, you must have the strength to turn off the computer and suffer through a few tantrums.

It’s tough for parents to let their kids feel pain. However, your child must be able to experience pain like this in a safe place. Disappointments only get worse as kids enter adolescence. It’s important for your child to experience not getting her way all the time and learning to accept it.

If you stay calm, stick to your guns and can endure your child’s emotions, maybe your child will eventually learn to accept the structure of having to live by your rules. Perhaps she’ll also learn to get her homework done on time.

©Copyright 2008 by Kent Toussaint. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry.

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